The Expressive Journal continues...

 I no linger feel compelled to create for this journal everyday... after all, the class was only 30 days. But, I am finding it helpful to continue to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. It occurred to me the other day that it's too bad I didn't use archival paper for this exercise. The old book that I chose to use is truly falling apart and the paper tears easily! 

Thankfully, I do have photos of all these pages!

These pages come after the anniversary of George's death. Much of the focus is about how to move forward.

The "What's next?" question will continue to plague me for a long time. I can not be in a hurry - just need to sit with the question and be open to nudges. 

These next two have similar themes. It takes a lot of courage to begin something new...and I do have this inertia problem. It's hard to move! I go back to the phrase in the 'Silence' caption - it's just so loud! 

A friend, who has been a widow for several years, told me before the first anniversary that the second year was harder than the first. I wondered how that could possible be true! I am finding out...  there is something about 'holding my 'breath' through all the 'firsts' and getting through year one that at least had some purpose. Now, in year two, I have to create my own new firsts - alone. It's a wide-open, direction-less future! 

I recently looked through a lot of George's photographs and found some that would be good backgrounds for my pages. Each of the photos has a story - its own unique time and place. I love this story in the parchment type box. Telling stories does bring them back - just for a little while. I guess that's why I was looking through old photographs!

This next one popped up on Facebook one day. It certainly tells its own story. I am blessed with people who reach out to me...words are not always necessary!

This last one (today) is another photograph. As it says here, the photo is made with two different negatives, taken on different days. My task is to create my own photo (new life) putting together 'a combination of talents to discover a new image of me...'

George and I used to say, "We have all the time that there is!" The process of re-creating myself does (and will) take time. 

Stay tuned - more to come. 

Celebrate St. Michaels - the banners are up!

The St. Michaels Art League (SMAL) has sponsored a banner program in our small village for over ten years. SMAL artists create artwork that is scanned and printed and then hung on poles along our main street from April until November.  We 'decorate' the for the locals and for the many tourists that visit here. 

Kevin Snelling, owner of Creative Xpressions (shop in town) makes prints of the artwork and has them for sale in his shop. 

The theme for this project has always been 'Celebrate St. Michaels' so I try to think up new ways to 'celebrate.' Several years ago I created 'Mikey'  - a St. Michaels crab - who celebrates in various ways. In the past Mikey has been fishing, eating an ice cream cone or an ear of corn, dressed as an artist, captain of a boat, etc. You get the idea.

This year Mikey is truly celebrating with the town flag. I particularly like the top hat! Look for him as you drive through town.

The Expressive Journal - Part 5!

 I ran into a friend today who commented that she had been following my posts. It occurred to me that I hadn't done anything in a long time! Looks like I took over a month off. That last post was the end of February! 

I have continued to create journal pages and continue to find it very helpful.  Over these past few weeks I have tried to move ahead, but found that my focus has been on holding on to the last few weeks before the one year anniversary of George's death. 

As you will see in some of the pages that follow, I hung his photographs in an exhibit at our local library and gave a talk about the book...trying to find my way. On to the images...

This first one is from early March. I am struggling to 'break through some cracks'. I came upon this wonderful quote (I can't remember where so am unable to give credit). It puts things into perspective in a new way.

Yes, some things are getting easier - note: not easy, but easier. Looking for a new normal. I love the quote in the black box.

Breakfast was our special time. We were coming up on Daylight Savings time. The mornings were a little brighter. Laura Oliver is a columnist in our local online newspaper - The Talbot Spy. Her Sunday essay spoke of looking for "kickass joy."  That seemed like a good idea! This is an acrylic background that I had poured months ago. It fits.

This is a bunch of random thoughts that come and go. I loved this old acrylic painting and liked the way the colors went with this old watercolor sketch (which gets lost in the whole thing!)

More musings about his absence in the mornings. I don't want to forget all those times together, but wonder if they are holding me back..

We had this thing about scones. I would make a batch and we would share one for breakfast on Sunday mornings. I 'bravely' made a batch (the first since his death). The quote and sketch are from the book.

The stink bug appears again! I know that's weird, but it was our thing and they make me smile. 

It is the unexpected things that bring tears. 

A simple question on a tax form... I guess technically for filing purposes in 2022, I 'am' married, but it's that last time I can check that box. 

Many years ago I gave George a ships clock. Resetting it for the time changes was always a big deal. It's now up to me...

This is another painting from years ago that I always liked. It was fun to use it here. The words in the black box came to me one morning. At first I felt guilty for thinking them and then they just seemed so right.

Some days are just gloomy days. I've learned that's OK. It helps to write about it and let it go. This  was March 17th -17s are hard for me. George 's birthday was a 17 and he died on the 17th..

I am getting better at turning my sadness into thankfulness. Instead of focusing on the loss, I am looking at what I do have - the wonderful memories to be treasured.

I ask myself a lot of questions about moving on... How do I let go of grief? How much can I let go without losing all the memories? If I don't know what's next, how can I move on? On and on ... then it's time for chocolate!

Not all the little things that bring surprises are bad or bring sadness. (If you don't know Alexa, she/it is an Amazon speaker that responds to voice commands) We often 'talk' in the morning. 

 

These last two images are very personal. I have tried to open my heart to this journal - partly because it has helped me, but also because others have found it a helpful model. 

Soon after the previous page it was Easter Sunday. The first of the death anniversaries. George died last year on Easter Sunday. I was able to get out of town with family for a long weekend. A change of scene and supportive family helped ease the pain of the memories that came back forcefully. I went looking for images from that time and I do not see that I journaled until after the 17th, the date anniversary. 

I had been dreading two anniversaries! To my surprise, I now welcome them. The first one gave me an opportunity to embrace the sadness of George's death, to mourn, and begin to let some of it go. My 'plan' for the 17th was so thought out... and then so 'us' in what George used to call 'Hofnagle's Law' (when the toast falls to the floor is it always butter side down). Holding tightly to 'the plan' was no longer possible. I congratulated myself in being able to recognize the absurdity and playfulness of our moment together.

This last image was just finished. If you look closely at the painting you can find a lot of fish swimming upstream! 

I don't think my journal is finished, but I may put it aside for a bit as I see what's ahead in year #2.

Thanks for being with me through this time!

The Expressive Journal - Part 4 (final...maybe)

The Expressive Journal course finished last week. I have mixed emotions about that. It was so helpful to be a part of it - the accountability to the other students in doing our 'homework' kept me on track and made me focus on what was going on for me. That said, it is also nice to not have to come up with something new everyday. 

I have found myself thinking about the journal this week though and have created a few more pages! IF (notice the purposeful capital letters) I can keep working on the journal through Easter, I know it will be helpful.

So, on to the 'final...maybe' images. 

This first one has a quick story: Years ago when we got married, we each added the other to our personal checking accounts. When my new checks came, George was upset that they had printed them wrong. My name was on the top line! Apparently his name had always come first in his 'prior life.'  

The other funny thing about this image is that I had written 'your name isn't on them.' When I went online to get an image of a non-personal check, I did not pay much attention. On a closer look each check says "YOUR NAME." So technically, what I wrote is incorrect. It is wonderful to find ways to laugh at myself these days.

This next one, even though in black and white, really was sort of a celebration recognizing the publication of the book of essays and finding myself in a new place. I love the quote at the top.

There is no way to understand about a loved one's wedding ring until you are faced with it.

I continue to be aware of Lasts and Firsts. We celebrated each event when we knew it would be the last one. This image speaks to our Christmas cards.

New Years Eve and Day were always important to us. I knew I needed to do something this year that we would never have done.

There are a few more days to be celebrated in this first year since my husband's death. 

Sometimes I write/speak directly to him...  Some people have talked to me about their loved ones communicating as cardinals, eagles, etc. For me, the stink bug makes me feel less alone. (Long story for another time) 

This image was one of the ways for me to say thank you to our class for their support. Unlike many of the others which has backgrounds of acrylic pours, this one was stamped with acrylic paint after bubble wrap had been pressed into a pour. Interesting effect.

These last three have been done since the class was completed. I still work on the question of what's next. It is a confusing image - it fits with trying to answer the question!

My daughter-in-law sent me a package of homemade fudge (which arrived on Valentines Day). I loved the card that came with it. I added color to the card and used it on this image. I used a lot of acrylic paint to cover the pages. I like the look of texture on this one.

I will end with this one. Loss/grief are interesting in that they seem all encompassing to those left behind. How could anyone not know? And then the phone rings...

I am feeling less lost and I understand that feeling will be a part of me for quite a while. I am grateful to have more and more days of light.

The Expressive Journal - Part 3

OK, Part 3... this has been a wonderful experience for me. Putting words, pictures, and color together... and sharing it with others... has been so healing. I have been saying for years that a story is not complete until it is shared. "Putting it out there" with my class and writing this blog continues to help me focus.

This background got a little wild. It must have been 'one of those days' as I painted and found quotes to include!

Moving forward is not easy. I have been talking to myself a lot about walking out of the dark. I put a lot of paint on these pages and then used my heat gun for the texture effects. Obviously, it got a little messy, but it is always interesting to me that our minds figure out a lot of things even when the letters of a word are blocked!

This background is an acrylic pour painting that seemed to fit this message. The drawing is one that I used in a prior book. We were so grateful to have time - even though we did not know how much.

Every now and then, it occurs to me that there are others who are also grieving. When I acknowledge this, I am not so alone. 

Even thought this one expresses grief, I unconsciously chose yellow - normally considered a 'happy' color. I think the quotes that I had chosen gave me strength through the tears.

The day I did this one, I was feeling sad. Some days I struggle to remember the time before his death...so I want to remember it? Would it be better to forget?

The drawing in this one was done for a fundraiser for relief in Ukraine. Recently we have had so many disasters - earthquakes with thousands killed, more mass shootings... I am reminded that there is grief everywhere.

This one got a little sloppy, but it is good for me to post the sloppy with things that are not quite so. Life is such a mix of opposites...  The hand drawing was from a sketch I did a few years ago of a friend offering a bunch of flowers.

This is the final one for today. The wisdom of a song and of Winnie the Pooh...  I drew the hands just for this page. 

The course finished this week. I have several more images to share. Will post the rest next week. I am thinking that I may continue working on this journal. Not every day being accountable to the class, but it has been a helpful focus.

The Expressive Journal - Part 2

It's February. It's 16 degrees outside. The strong winds yesterday blew the water out of Broad Creek. There is ice around the edges of the water. The geese must be freezing! 

And, I have finished week two of The Expressive Journal. It continues to be a very helpful exercise for me as I put my thoughts into paint, color and collage.

Several years ago, a friend asked me to do the illustrations for a book she was writing after the death of her husband. This is one of the sketches from that book. She talked a lot about the difference between being lonely and being alone. Moving past the loneliness and accepting being alone.

This next one uses one of the sketches in Living into Darkness and Finding Light. I love the idea that a heart can embrace pain. The background of this one is an acrylic skin. (acrylic paint poured on wax paper, dried and peeled off) 

This 'grief thing' is sneaky. I am fine and suddenly I have tears running down my cheeks. A thought, music, a picture, the date, the weather... can bring on a 'grief burst.'

 

This one is a poem by Liz Newman and some torn up puzzle pieces from a sketch with an old acrylic pour background.

Another old acrylic pour with some phrases that I pulled out of various books. I had printed out the phrases before I rediscovered the background. I love how they went together.

A good friend of mine always reminds me to just breathe...  The background is an acrylic pour directly on the book pages.

I love this sketch that I did for the other book. Hearts do mend...heal. This acrylic pour seemed made for this.

When I went looking for an 'old book' to use as a journal for this class, I found SO MANY old books on the shelves. Many were textbooks from the 50s and 60s. Titles like - Modern American History (copywrite 1956). I have been ripping off the covers and bindings and throwing the paper in the  recycling bin. (Actually another really great form of therapy right now!) 

However, as I go through all these, I am reminded of the interests we shared and things we have done; family stories and memories come flooding back to me. The books sit silently on the shelves.

The course is now in its third week... I'll be back.