The Expressive Journal - Part 4 (final...maybe)

The Expressive Journal course finished last week. I have mixed emotions about that. It was so helpful to be a part of it - the accountability to the other students in doing our 'homework' kept me on track and made me focus on what was going on for me. That said, it is also nice to not have to come up with something new everyday. 

I have found myself thinking about the journal this week though and have created a few more pages! IF (notice the purposeful capital letters) I can keep working on the journal through Easter, I know it will be helpful.

So, on to the 'final...maybe' images. 

This first one has a quick story: Years ago when we got married, we each added the other to our personal checking accounts. When my new checks came, George was upset that they had printed them wrong. My name was on the top line! Apparently his name had always come first in his 'prior life.'  

The other funny thing about this image is that I had written 'your name isn't on them.' When I went online to get an image of a non-personal check, I did not pay much attention. On a closer look each check says "YOUR NAME." So technically, what I wrote is incorrect. It is wonderful to find ways to laugh at myself these days.

This next one, even though in black and white, really was sort of a celebration recognizing the publication of the book of essays and finding myself in a new place. I love the quote at the top.

There is no way to understand about a loved one's wedding ring until you are faced with it.

I continue to be aware of Lasts and Firsts. We celebrated each event when we knew it would be the last one. This image speaks to our Christmas cards.

New Years Eve and Day were always important to us. I knew I needed to do something this year that we would never have done.

There are a few more days to be celebrated in this first year since my husband's death. 

Sometimes I write/speak directly to him...  Some people have talked to me about their loved ones communicating as cardinals, eagles, etc. For me, the stink bug makes me feel less alone. (Long story for another time) 

This image was one of the ways for me to say thank you to our class for their support. Unlike many of the others which has backgrounds of acrylic pours, this one was stamped with acrylic paint after bubble wrap had been pressed into a pour. Interesting effect.

These last three have been done since the class was completed. I still work on the question of what's next. It is a confusing image - it fits with trying to answer the question!

My daughter-in-law sent me a package of homemade fudge (which arrived on Valentines Day). I loved the card that came with it. I added color to the card and used it on this image. I used a lot of acrylic paint to cover the pages. I like the look of texture on this one.

I will end with this one. Loss/grief are interesting in that they seem all encompassing to those left behind. How could anyone not know? And then the phone rings...

I am feeling less lost and I understand that feeling will be a part of me for quite a while. I am grateful to have more and more days of light.

The Expressive Journal - Part 3

OK, Part 3... this has been a wonderful experience for me. Putting words, pictures, and color together... and sharing it with others... has been so healing. I have been saying for years that a story is not complete until it is shared. "Putting it out there" with my class and writing this blog continues to help me focus.

This background got a little wild. It must have been 'one of those days' as I painted and found quotes to include!

Moving forward is not easy. I have been talking to myself a lot about walking out of the dark. I put a lot of paint on these pages and then used my heat gun for the texture effects. Obviously, it got a little messy, but it is always interesting to me that our minds figure out a lot of things even when the letters of a word are blocked!

This background is an acrylic pour painting that seemed to fit this message. The drawing is one that I used in a prior book. We were so grateful to have time - even though we did not know how much.

Every now and then, it occurs to me that there are others who are also grieving. When I acknowledge this, I am not so alone. 

Even thought this one expresses grief, I unconsciously chose yellow - normally considered a 'happy' color. I think the quotes that I had chosen gave me strength through the tears.

The day I did this one, I was feeling sad. Some days I struggle to remember the time before his death...so I want to remember it? Would it be better to forget?

The drawing in this one was done for a fundraiser for relief in Ukraine. Recently we have had so many disasters - earthquakes with thousands killed, more mass shootings... I am reminded that there is grief everywhere.

This one got a little sloppy, but it is good for me to post the sloppy with things that are not quite so. Life is such a mix of opposites...  The hand drawing was from a sketch I did a few years ago of a friend offering a bunch of flowers.

This is the final one for today. The wisdom of a song and of Winnie the Pooh...  I drew the hands just for this page. 

The course finished this week. I have several more images to share. Will post the rest next week. I am thinking that I may continue working on this journal. Not every day being accountable to the class, but it has been a helpful focus.

The Expressive Journal - Part 2

It's February. It's 16 degrees outside. The strong winds yesterday blew the water out of Broad Creek. There is ice around the edges of the water. The geese must be freezing! 

And, I have finished week two of The Expressive Journal. It continues to be a very helpful exercise for me as I put my thoughts into paint, color and collage.

Several years ago, a friend asked me to do the illustrations for a book she was writing after the death of her husband. This is one of the sketches from that book. She talked a lot about the difference between being lonely and being alone. Moving past the loneliness and accepting being alone.

This next one uses one of the sketches in Living into Darkness and Finding Light. I love the idea that a heart can embrace pain. The background of this one is an acrylic skin. (acrylic paint poured on wax paper, dried and peeled off) 

This 'grief thing' is sneaky. I am fine and suddenly I have tears running down my cheeks. A thought, music, a picture, the date, the weather... can bring on a 'grief burst.'

 

This one is a poem by Liz Newman and some torn up puzzle pieces from a sketch with an old acrylic pour background.

Another old acrylic pour with some phrases that I pulled out of various books. I had printed out the phrases before I rediscovered the background. I love how they went together.

A good friend of mine always reminds me to just breathe...  The background is an acrylic pour directly on the book pages.

I love this sketch that I did for the other book. Hearts do mend...heal. This acrylic pour seemed made for this.

When I went looking for an 'old book' to use as a journal for this class, I found SO MANY old books on the shelves. Many were textbooks from the 50s and 60s. Titles like - Modern American History (copywrite 1956). I have been ripping off the covers and bindings and throwing the paper in the  recycling bin. (Actually another really great form of therapy right now!) 

However, as I go through all these, I am reminded of the interests we shared and things we have done; family stories and memories come flooding back to me. The books sit silently on the shelves.

The course is now in its third week... I'll be back.